The Power of Cute Compels You
by woundedowl
Summary: The story where the hero enters the past on a quest to change the disastrous apocalyptic future, vanquishing evil and marrying the love of his life? Yea, this wasn't that at all. Everything would turn out fine without him meddling anyways. Why would he do something stupid like declare war on a bunch of melodramatic sociopaths? Nah, no thanks.
1. To be Less of a Dick

Summary: The story where the hero enters the past on a quest to change the disastrous apocalyptic future, vanquishing evil and marrying the love of his life? Yea, this wasn't that at all. Everything would turn out fine without him meddling anyways. Why would he do something stupid like declare war on a bunch of melodramatic sociopaths? Nah, no thanks.

First off, don't take this seriously. This isn't meant to be anything but a cute humorous story with a bit, a _tiny insignificant dismal _portion of actual plot. Writing anything with actual progression makes me burst into hives, so I won't do it unless I have no other option and each chapter is pretty short, only a couple scenes or so long. So yea.

Chapter one- The Power of Cute Compels You, to be Less of a Dick

* * *

Holy shit. He was _freaking adorable. _

He looked down at the five month old baby as he held onto the bars, balancing precariously on the side of his crib with the tips of his toes, his body barely tall enough to peer over the top as he tilted his head to the side, examining him closely.

Was it even legal to be that cute? It had to go against some sort of law somewhere.

The baby blinked, also turning his head to the side as they both watched each other.

He squinted.

The baby squinted.

He puffed out his cheeks and growled, wriggling his eyebrows in a creepy way.

The baby immediately starting making spit bubbles. So he leaned forward, bringing a hand down to poke said baby on the cheek, only for the baby to immediately turn his head to latch onto his finger with his toothless gums, sucking hard.

"_Hey! Lemme go!_" He whispered with a hiss, tugging in a desperate attempt to get him off but he only gurgled happily, grabbing his finger with both hands as he kicked his feet in joy. The older boy tried again to release himself from the slobbery prison, his face twisting into a horrified grimace as he shook his arm like a mad man. His finger finally came free with a loud pop, and the happy infant giggled away as he inspected the damage.

His once mighty and germ free hand was now covered in a gooey slimy mess.

"_Nasty_." He whined as he whipped his hand on his pajama bottoms, glaring back at the still gurgling baby.

And promptly melted all over again under those big dark eyes.

Ah crap, who the hell could stay mad at that face?

Assholes. That's who.

"Maa, maa." He murmured, leaning back down to pat him on the head, gently brushing his short black hair to the side. "I quit."

He hummed as he snuck back out of the house, closing the window and securing the safety traps behind him far better than how he first found them, so no one with any bad intentions could get in again. Dusting himself off he looked up at the sun rise with a drawn out sigh.

Maybe he could finally take up all those hobbies he wanted? Learn how to knit properly, or make home made soba? Hmm, maybe try his hand in pranking? He always wanted to do that.

Meh, he shrugged as he made his way back out of the village in the cover of the shadows, careful to stay out of any passing shinobi's radar. As he bolted into the forest he finally let out his first laugh, then another, until he started to cackle ominously, a much better plan forming itself rather beautifully as he quickly put together the needed materials.

And that was how Uchiha Sasuke survived his first assassination attempt, leading to the great time traveling hero giving up on the whole "destroy the past to save the future" thing.

* * *

Eleven days later, sixteen year old Hatake Kakashi was having a full blown panic attack. There was one of his ANBU operatives patting him on the back as he sat to his left, the Hokage puffing away quietly on a pipe to his right, a stone cold faced immigration Matron sitting across from them, and the scowling Uchiha Clan head Uchiha Fugaku sitting next to her. They were all at one table as he took shallow breaths, his nails digging into the wooden desk as his eyes darting around.

In the middle of the table was a folder of official documents, a list of bonds and real-estate now under his name, and a maternity test.

A positive maternity test.

The scowl on the Uchiha Head's face grew even worse as the Matron cleared her throat, sliding the files closer to the visibly shaking teenager as he eyed the paper like it would kill him without hesitation.

Which it probably would, given the facts.

"Then it is decided?" Kakashi flinched as the Hokage chuckled softly, his eyes curving up as he brought his hand up to nonchalantly pat Kakashi on the shoulder. He held back a whimper as he shook his head, barely stopping himself from screaming that no, it really wasn't. "Or is there more still to discuss?"

Yes, yes there was. There was a _lot more_ to discuss, and Fugaku agreed.

"You expect a child to raise a child?" He sneered at Kakashi, but the Hokage didn't miss a beat. Taking a large inhale of his pipe before letting the smoke out in a deep plume the leader leveled the man with a no nonsense raised brow.

"I expect a father to raise his son."

Kakashi felt the last of his will leave his body as he tilted dangerously to the side.

"He is an _Uchiha_." Fugaku pressed, pointing sharply at the positive genetic information on the paper. "Wether or not his mother comes forward isn't an issue. He is part of _my_ clan."

"As the documents clearly show Uchiha-san," The matron drawled in her obvious 'I seriously don't give a rats ass about your damn politics, now shut up so I can leave already' tone. "The mother, who wishes to stay completely anonymous, states bluntly that the child shall be completely under the custody of Hatake Kakashi and no other. _Indefinitely_. Your clan will have no place in his upbringing."

"That-!" The head yelped as he was cut off with a sharp glare.

"Is the mother's legal right." The matron pushed her glasses up her nose as she picked up a folder, tapping it loudly against the table. "She has completely disowned and annulled any relationship with the child, giving full custody to the father." She glared at him, daring him to try to argue the issue another ten times before turning to look at Kakashi. "Her identity is a mystery even to Hatake-san, whom apparently met her while both undercover. Now, if we can wrap this up?"

The boy let out a loud burp, catching their attention.

And with that all four adults turned to look across the room, catching the eyes of the ANBU Captain's miniature copy, the one and a half year old little boy munching on a large tomato while he sat on his blanket, eyeing them all back with his large happy curved eyes. He smiled, waving enthusiastically as his _father_ turned green around the edges. Heiki, as was his name now, watched with even more joy as the Hokage cleared his throat, finally ending the meeting.

The once great war general giggled cutely under his breath as his past self stumbled to his feet, still looking around in stunned traumatic horror as the Matron handed him his new things, trembling as if he were meeting the great death god himself.

Maa maa, Naruto was absolutely right, pranking was great.


	2. To Use Common Sense You Nitwit

There isn't much to say. I'm writing this on my phone so there is most likely a ton of spelling mistakes. I'll get to them later, other than that I've got nothing else to tell ya. So enjoy the chapter.

Chapter two- The Power of Cute Compels You, to Use Common Sense You Nitwit

* * *

They had him surrounded on all sides, his back to a wall with no way out. There would be no support in the territory of the enemy, no back up and multiple targets were covering any opening and exit points, another four maybe five keeping watch. This was it. There was no escape.

Damn them.

Anko made a grabbing motion with her hands, her arms outstretched as she took another menacing step forward, and the twisted smile almost ripped her face in two as he tried to lean further back against the wall. The three other ANBU behind her all leaned in, trying to look at what was _his_ as they murmured to each other. The Captain growled, his heckles raising even further. The she-demon and minions had finally cornered him after he tried to make a hasty retreat.

"Gimme." She glared as his eyes narrowed, taking another step forward as her fingers motioned just inches away.

Kakashi tightened his hold on the package, a hand slowly rising towards his headband, ready to reveal the Sharingan as he weighed the pros and cons of turning the hallway into a blood bath.

"No. Go away." His growled through clenched teeth as he glared at the four of them, but Crow, Pig and Boar just shrugged as Anko giggled.

"_Not happening sun shine_." Anko's sing-songed, her eyes gleaming as they narrowed into slits, and she licked her lips as they all advanced further into his position.

The package squirmed before turning to give the enemy a sigh, a deep sense of boredom behind his half lidded eyes as he tugged on his thick blue turtleneck sweater.

"Now let. Me. See." She punctuated each word with a step, a shadow casting over her features as she eyed the brat until she finally hissed, exactly like a starving snake as she all but drooled. "_The Baaaaaby."_

Kakashi's entire body violently twitched once, which turned out to be their only warning before all hell broke loose.

Because while he wasn't aware of it, after learning he was a father and officially coming into the care of his one year old son only thirty minutes ago, it didn't take much for Kakashi to activate one of his Clan's most ancient bloodline limits. It was after all, said to be one of their most guarded and powerful secrets.

And as the tips of Anko's fingers brushed against Heiki's hair, the ANBU force learned an absolutely important invaluable lesson that day, one that was debated to be one of the most terrifying events to occur in the village there after.

_Do not touch a Hatake puppy without permission._

The screams of pain and corresponding pleas for mercy echoed throughout the majority of the village for a few hours, gripping the hearts of Shinobi and civilians alike in fear.

* * *

Wow, did word spread fast around here.

The next day Heiki blinked from his spot on his new father's lap, tilting his head to the side as Yamacha Inoichi continued to make ridiculously not funny faces at him from the couch, Kurenai was at the table in the kitchen going over the paperwork again as she scratched her nose. Both Kakashi and him were on the ground, surrounded by gifts and toys on a blue blanket, both looking identically nonplused by the now child rendered apartment.

"Cute kid isn't he?" Inoichi chuckled as he leaned back, giving Kakashi a thumps up before leaning forward to pat him on the shoulder. "Who knew you had it in you to make something so adorable. Congratulations!" He sighed dramatically as patted another pile of brightly wrapped presents sprawled across the couch next to him, looking around slightly envious.

"So words out that the great Prodigy Bachelor got's himself a tiny him and the entire fleet celebrates." He grinned, "The great Copy Cat got his own little copy!"

Kakashi just sighed as he slumped over more, barely getting any sleep last night from countless people knocking on his door to deliver their congrats through the night. The bags under his eyes grew darker as he waved a hand dismissively before picking up another present, unwrapping it mechanically as his son nibbled on some carrots.

Maa maa, another pair of baby socks.

Wonderful.

"Oh come on," Inoichi laughed lightheartedly, ruffling Heiki's hair before Kakashi swatted it away with grunt. "It's interesting to see what your face looks like without a mask on and you've got to admit it, even though it's sudden the little guys growing on you."

"Life a fungus." Kakashi deadpanned as he grabbed another present, and Heiki looked up with his identical lazy face.

"That's mean." He whined as his new father finished unwrapping the bright orange paper, crunching loudly on his carrots as he flinched. Damn. It was really hard not to just react to everything, his underdeveloped physicality and mind unable to handle masking his emotions like when he was an adult. He was literally an open book without a mute button now.

Kakashi tried to smile as he finished unwrapping Gai present. A book on potty training. Good, it could go with the other five to be used as emergency fire wood.

"No, it's informative." Kakashi patted him on the head and Heiki huffed, grabbing the book and turning it different directions. How did so many people even know that he was here already?

The Shinobi community couldn't keep a secret or mind their own buisness even if their lifes actually depended on it.

"Maa, it's _meanly_ informative." He pouted, puffing out his cheeks and he scrunched up his face. "Now I'm sad."

"Don't lie."

"Not lying." Hieki's entire face scrunched up into that dreaded 'child about to throw _the _tantrum' attack mode and Kakashi twitched dangerously, sending him a warning look.

Kurenai snorted loudly as the pair of Hatake's stared eachother down, neither of them blinking in a rather comical display of defiance until Inoichi let out a loud belting laugh, pointing rudely at the miniture copy cat.

"Got your hands full now!" He continued to laugh loudly, "Just wait until he meets the rest of the pack of chibis! Everyones got one now!"

Pack?

"More?" Heiki immediately looked away as he perked up unitentionally, turning towards Kurenai as she nodded with an hum and he tilted his head to the side. Kakashi closed his one eye as he continued to open the endless pile of gifts, ignoring his old academy classmate as he handed Heiki more carrots.

"More babies." Kurenai gave the boy a small smile as she pointed at Inoichi as he scratched his scalp. "Everyone from the Nara-Yama-Choza team, to the Uchiha bastards to the uptight Hyuuga brat has one or two running around now." She finally finshed going through the paperwork squired across the table, putting them back neatly into their folders. "Might as well introduce your own spawn to theirs Kakashi."

Ah right, the brats. He was one of them now.

"They might infect him." Kakashi's eye narrowed dangerously as a bottle of hand sanitizer seemed to appear out of mid air, and he quickly squirted some in his son's hands, rubbing them together.

"Oh knock it off you mother hen."

Hieki sneezed loudly as Kakashi sent her a withered glare, throwing one of the larger boxes at her face.


End file.
